You might have noticed there was no post yesterday. I totally screwed up. I could have banged out a few paragraphs and called it a day but I just forgot. That and I was pissed off or frustrated. Maybe both. Or maybe they’re the same thing, I don’t know.
I’m feeling pretty lost most days. This career transition is turning out to be a total bomb. It’s more like a career flop where I’m not really doing any design work and I’m halfheartedly writing journal entries. Yeah, I know I need to just pick one thing and stick with it, push it, promote it. FOCUS. But I’m just not feeling it – which sounds lame and spoiled, a pathetic excuse to not attempt anything hard. To skirt any challenge that might pop up like a freaky clown on a spring, scaring the pants off me.
I’ve never felt as soft and vulnerable as I do now. I used to feel invincible, I’d dream I was kicking ass in a Crouching Tiger way, floating through the air with rotating camera angles that made me look like I was suspended in air. Today I feel like a pile of mush, held together by a thin layer of flesh, easily cut by an evil look or crushed by a an empty inbox. How could that be the same person? Maybe we are not the same person, maybe the me before and the me now have nothing in common. My chest feels vacant – like my heart is missing. There is only dark smoke swirling around in the cavity.
The New Year began full of promise and hope came sliding down a cheerful rainbow to land in my lap. After a hellish December I thought things were on the upswing. How could they not be? Oh right, because I’m me. And my fucking head gets in the way.
Maybe I need to stop reading. Everything. Pay attention to nothing but my own work. Could that help? At the very least it’s a flip from what I have been doing which is to take everything in. Acquire as much information as possible – that was my motto. But I already know that I know nothing. What else is there to learn?
Maybe I’ve just talked myself into a life-changing strategy, or maybe not. I will permit myself to look at pretty pictures, because that is fun and because I wouldn’t be able to use Pinterest otherwise and that would suck. If you’re on Pinterest, look for me there under my own name.
I will keep writing. And yeah, I haven’t touched my novel in months. I’m scared to look at it, it might be the shitiest thing I’ve ever read. More scary clowns on springs, ACK!
If you write in the comments below or send me a note I will read that. I promise. I feel better. Thanks for reading.