Eyes are burning, head is hurting. I should lie down. No, I should eat something. Wait, I have an idea that trumps all – coffee. It’s the answer to everything. Unless the problem is of a certain intensity – then alcohol might be required. This is not one of those times.
Earlier I mentioned one of my themes for 2014 is Love not Ego. I’m not entirely sure what that means, I just wrote it down because it sounded better than:
I recently realized most of the things I do are motivated by needing to look good. Not by passion or a love of some kind but by how other people will see me or how some activity might lift me up a notch or two.
It all started when I read an article in “O” magazine by Martha Beck – who is brilliant and lovely and you should read everything she has ever written. Anyway, Martha set out a few true or false questions that I’ve modified here:
- If I have a goal I want to do all the stuff leading up to the event, whether or not I reach my objective. For example, if I want to run a marathon (which I don’t, thank goodness) would I enjoy the training as much as crossing the finish-line?
- Do I want to have this experience even if no one else would find out about it?
- I don’t feel inferior, jealous or competitive toward people who have done this and no superiority to people who haven’t.
- I would enjoy this and would do it anyway, even it other people thought it was nuts.
You can read more about my insights into ego candy if you need some background but basically everything I do and everything I’ve ever done is motivated, at least in some small way, by answering false to all four statements. This doesn’t make me a bad person nor should it do the same for you, but it did make me step back and examine how I approach my projects and all my crazy undertakings.
Or more precisely, it helped me alter my mindset about my projects and daily activities. I no longer feel an unfriendly push to work on my writing or make art or bake cookies (which I am unlikely to do anyway no matter what anyone thought of me). Don’t get me wrong, I do love eating cookies, I just can’t stand being in the kitchen and I have nothing to prove there. There are plenty of other areas where I do feel I need to prove myself. Like right here, on these pages.
One of the motivations for taking on this 30-day writing challenge was to practice writing while not caring what kind of a reaction I received. While not caring how many comments I received, nor how many page views nor how many times this was reshared (or not) on various social media channels.
I’m writing this for me. Which I guess sounds selfish out of context – and maybe everything we do is truly selfish. I’m inclined to believe it is, but in a good way. We need to look out for ourselves and no one cares more about me than I do.
I’m completely okay if no one reads this. At times it seems better that way, especially when I’m not proud of my work. At this moment I’m not sure what to make of this journal entry. Is it rambling? It is dull? Maybe a bit of both. It’s certainly not an awards contender. But hey, I fulfilled my daily duty and I even threw in a nice picture. Ah, how I miss the fall and look forward to it’s return.
I need to flesh out this concept of Love not Ego just a bit more. I’m still sloshing through the mud with it, there’s a destination up ahead but my eyes are a little blurry. It will come with time, maybe I’ll get hit in the head with a flashlight when my 30 days are through.